I Want My. . . I Want My Chah-Neh-Puhr

February 10, 2007

I know I’ve been MIA for the last last month and a half. I was surprised how many emails I got asking for updates. To my faithful readers, thanks.

I’ve since been sent to run a camp in New Sudan. I’m like the GM. I think the execs wanna see if I got chops, or if I’m just a good talker. While I am a good talker, I also have chops.

But this place is insane. Absolutely crazy. Everything is a big problem, and nothing is accomplished easy. There is so much on plate I can barely get to sleep. Strangely enough, I am really enjoying it: It’s fun being the boss again. I wish I had the to do a full narrative abounding alliteration, allusions, and similies, precisely parlaying my prodigious parlance. But I’ve got a hotel to run. So while you might not hear from me very much in the coming month or so, at least now you’ll know why. Here’s a few numbers from my first 10 days:

Tents: 70

Rooms: 22

Occupancy: 88%

Employees: 100 give or take a few day laborers

People fired: 2

People hired: 5

Out of the number hired, how many were truck drivers who never showed up again: 3

Fights between staff: 1

Fights between staff involving one person hitting another with a pole: 1

Security breaches: 1

Employees attacked and severely beaten in the middle of the night at another camp: 1

Interviews with the Juba Post: 1

Interviews with the Juba Post where I didn’t sound like a blathering idiot: 0

Number of Letters sent to the Ministry of Labour Somethingorother: 6

Minutes of the Superbowl actually viewed: 4-6

Epileptic seizures (not mine): 1

Former student activists/freedom fighters from Bangladesh who happen to be mechanical engineers and super cool: 1
Persons detained at the airport and subsequently deported: 1

Empty and ambiguous threats on my general well being: 2

Water pipes busted: 3

Employees disciplined: innumerable

Employees named ‘Louis Lui:’ 1

Number of Employees named Ipee: 1

Number of letters differing the end Ipee’s last name from ‘Freely:’ 4

Weight in kilos of new water filtration system: 2200

Trees to which the new water filtration system was tied: 1

Diesel drums onto which the new water filtration system, tied to a tree, dropped as the truck pulled away: 4

Cinderblocks to support diesel drums on uneven soil: 8

New water filtration systems destroyed in this ingenious process: 0

Abdul’s U-Rent-it Forklifts’ years of operation here: -2

Ladies who came in the office to meet me, impressed to see me doing a white glove test on a chair in a bar on the dusty banks of the Nile: 3

Acronymous organizations I deal with on a daily basis: 10

Acronymous organizations I deal with whose name’s meaning/origins are a complete mystery: 8

Former US presidents hosted: 1

Roughly averaged, hours of sleep/night: 5