For an abbreviated breakdown check the bracket. Full non-delusional analysis continues:
Wild Card Weekend:
Giants 10 @ Eagles 37:
Sure, the Birds lost to the Giants their first meeting this season. But it was in OT and Philly was still getting stitched back together from TO’s ego shredding the locker room. Furthermore, the Eagles haven’t lost a wild card weekend game since 1996, and have made it to the Divisional Playoffs 4 times out of the last 5 years. With Garcia bringing the old school CFL scramble, bipolar B Dawk rallying the recombinant D, and Jim Johnson‘s playbook, Philly’s “Zombies” are the team to watch.
Cowboys 13 @ Seahawks 19:
Watching the Cowboys play is like watching John Williams direct The Kids of Widney High. How Bill Parcells could be shoveling the coal into the fire of such a train wreck is beyond me. Sure, Seattle’s nothing special—kind of like the entire NFC, I guess—but a team that loses the last game of the season to Detroit at home is not a serious contender for anything in the post season. Dallas is downtrodden and will put a fight, but it won’t help. Maybe next year we’ll Barry Switzer will try to make a comeback.
Chiefs 6 @ Colts 41:
Easy win for the Indianapolis. KC just edged Denver thanks to a hot Niners win there and by somehow managing to chop up Jacksonville. Throw in a dash of Tennessee hopes, a pinch of crushed Bengals, bake for 30 minutes at 350° and voila! you get a whole lotta suck. The Chiefs don’t deserve this wild card spot and the Colts are, well, the Colts. They’ll make it one or two games deep just to get their fans’ hope up and choke just like they’ve done every year prior. Serve with torilla chips and hot sauce.
Jets 27 @ Patriots 16:
It was only a last year that the Jets got knocked out of the post season because Doug Brien couldn’t make a kick under OT pressure. And you know what? I hate the New England Pariots like nuts in brownies. They get an entire region. Not just a city, not just a state, but MA, CT, RI, ME, VT, and NH behind them. Granted it’s a bunch of cold, waspy states, but that’s a hell of a constituent nonetheless. But to football: with the Jets’ Nugent kicking more successfully, and the Pats’ Bruschi sounding more and more like an aging boxer on a daily basis, I fore/want to see the smug petulance of Belichick and Brady get a proverbial punch in the jaw.
Eagles 43 @ New Orleans 37:
Oh, to dream a dream. Hurricane-torn New Orleans rallys around a Cinderella story and the reverie of a Superbowl win in Miami. *Sigh. Not gonna happen. The only thing luckier than the Saints‘ earlier season 31-yard FG win over the Birds at the buzzer was Rita hitting Galveston. Oooooh. Ooooooooooh! Too soon? Not only have the Birds been in the Divisional Champsionship five of the last six seasons, they have a 5-0. In the last few regular season games, the Birds have only gone up, the Saints only down. I think it’s gonna be a close game, but the Eagles will surely come out on top.
Seahawks 7 @ Bears 46:
Oh the huge manatee! This one’s gonna be a slaughter. Seattle does not look like the NFC champions of last year and—since his injury especially—Hasselbeck is not playing like the world class QB he was once purported to be. Grossman and his stable of prolific receivers are gonna poke holes in Seattle’s defense while the Bears acrimonious D will hold the Hawks in their own territory the majority of the game.
Colts 13 @ Ravens 9:
McNair and Moss made a hell of a pair. Clayton and Heap are good, but there’s no magic. The real magic of the Ravens is the fact Ray Lewis killed a man and got away with it. Still, in ’02-’03 Indy was shutout in Wild Card Weekend. ’03-’04, they actually made it to, but lost Conference Championship game. ’04-’05, and ’05-06 Peyton pulled a Mama Cass in the Divisional Championship. Seriously, these guys are worse the ’90-’93 Bills. This is their year to asphyxiate in the AFC championship.
Jets 20 @ Chargers 31:
To tell you the truth, I was kinda surprised to see the Chargers with the best record in the NFL. Where the hell did they come from? 10 game winning streak? Weren’t they only good back in the 90’s with Junior Seau? Did I miss this just cause I’m in Africa? Whatever. No way the Jets will actually make anything of themselves. Given time, maybe. They’re like mini Colts, collapsing under just a little pressure: they’ve had two Division championships since 1970. Pfffff.
Eagles 16 @ Bears 12:
The game of the year, right here. They did not play one another this past regular season. The Bears, depsite a plethora of NFL Championships prior to the 1970 NFL/AFL merger, da Bears have only one Superbowl (XX) under their belt from 1985. The Eagles, though having been to The Big Game twice (XXXIX and XV), have no rings—not even ones with oval amber stones that lead to mayhem and hilarity! The outcome of this game can only be determined by anayzing the important factors:
Chi-town: Jones- 1210 yds, 6 TDs
Philly: Westbrook- 1217 yds, 11 TDs
Philly: Brown- 816 yds, 46 rec, 9 TDs
Chi-town: Muhammed- 863 yds, 60 rec, 5 TDs, name sounds vaguely muslim
Chi-town: Rex Grossman: 262 for 480, 54.6% for 3193 yds
Philly: McNab+Garcia= 296 for 504, 58.7% for 3956 yds
Philly: Cheese steak
Chi-town: Deep dish
5) Shitty Suburb:
Chi-town: Skokie, IL
Philly: Camden, NJ
6) Fans 1:
Philly: fans will assault, badger, and harass you
Chi-town: fans wear sweaters, and will politely discuss the weather, cheese curds, and braats with strangers
7) Fans 2:
Philly: “Drunk Bastards”
Chi-town: The Cubs’ were in the World series was 1945
Philly: The Phils’ last World Series was ’92, but lost to a Canadian team
Philly: Andy Reid has moustache
Chi-town: Lovie Smith is named Lovie
Chi-Town: Mothers and daughters often attend games with the family
Philly: The Vet and the Linc were built with a court room and jail cell inside the stadium
At 7-2-1, The Eagles are the clear winner in this match up.
Colts 21 @ Chargers 36:
I really have no good reason as to why San Diego is gonna win other than the fact that The Colts must lose. No matter how good the Colts seem to be they cannot make it to the Superbowl. Even as an Eagles fan, it’s just sad to watch. No matter how cool Manning seems to be in his SportsCenter and Mastercard commercials, deep down in our heart of hearts we know he’s a loser. It’s in the Bible: Matthew 4:12 “Lo, when it comes to pressure horses shall no longer breathe, as if drowning in a great flood, and thus, suck badly.”
Eagles 29 and Chargers 23:
Tomlinson is ridiculous. And their defense frickin is voracious: Merriman has averaged more than one sack per game. A formidable opponent indeed, but this is the Eagles. One cannot apply logic and reason to matters involving Philaelphia Sports team (see Conference Championships section). No matter how good Westbrook happens to be, he’s not triple-threat, he’s a pretty good runner thats too short to be great, an average receiver, and shitty special teams player. Brown, Stalworth, and Smith aren’t standouts. Trotter, Cole, and Considine aren’t playmakers. Riiiiiiiiight. It just makes perfect sense that Eagles will win the Superbowl with their aging, second-string QB and that their Pro-bowl snubbed, ‘pretty good’ runner will get three touchdowns (one rushing, one receiving, and one returning) and snag the MVP.
UPDATE: A good friend from PA—also living abroad—has pointed out that I ahve way to much time alone as well as the following innacuracies in this post:
2) Lincoln Finanacial field, sadly does not have the jail cell and courtroom the Vet once housed. Despite numerous tenuous internet sources boasting the contrary, I’m gonna go with his word on this one.